Please don’t wake me up…

Posted: July 1, 2012 in Short stories, where arts collide

Border of sanity is never clear… normal is what people see in majority… the rest we call abnormal… but can we still stand by this rule so far till now…

The thing about darkness is that you can choose whether to be afraid or to be carefree. At first I was afraid, but now I just don’t care. It is immensely surprising how people can simply not care after few moments of fear, sadness, and sorrow. I shut everything down, I embrace the darkness, and somehow I found her.

Cecilia, are you there?

Yes Nick, I am here. I am always here.

I am feeling more than just gratefulĀ  when I kiss her and hug her in my arm.

Thanks God. I miss you so much. I miss kissing you and hugging you like this. I am tired of not having you around.

How you find me? I thought I will never see you again.

I don’t know. I just close my eyes. I feel myself falling so deep into this darkness and somehow I find you here. Oh, Cecil, you just don’t know how hard it is to not having you around.

Do you know where are we?

Let’s have a walk Nick, this place is too dark.

We walked out from a gate and enter a park that fills with light.

I almost forgot how pretty you are under the sun.

We have not met that long Nick. So please stop it. We are not together anymore.

I am sorry Cecil. I should have not divorced you. I love you. I don’t know why I make the call. All my reasons sound foolish now.

I am sorry too. I was a bitch. Oh, Nick, what life has done to us? Why we ever hated each other? You are perfect for me. Why we ended up like this? What have we done wrong? What have I done wrong?

It doesn’t matter anymore. Now we’re here and nothing can keep us apart anymore. I thought I will never see you again. And that feeling is just too hard for me to handle. I am on verge of my sanity when you’re not around. I realized how important you are to me, how I can’t hold myself together when I am not having you around.

But don’t you want to go back? What we have right now is not real, and I know that you know that. I cannot hold you here for long, nothing meant to be forever Nick. That is just the way it is. People need to learn how to let go in certain period of their life.

I don’t care. I DON’T CARE, Cecil. It’s real for me. And I want you. I want you here with me. I want nothing else. Isn’t that too much to ask for?

Oh, Nick. It actually is. There’s a reason why time is so precious.

Since nothing in the world can buy it or turn it back. I remember that is you’re favorite quote. But there’s should be something I can do. We can work this out right. We can still be together. There must be a way. When there’s a will there’s a way. You believe in that too right.

Yes, Nick. But not for now. Not for this time. Now come on, sit here. Sit next to me, let’s spend every seconds that we have now.

I kiss her lips, hug her in my arm as tight as I can. She is real in my arm. I feel her hands caressing my hair, what other proof that I need. She is real enough for me. Why does it need to matter now? I don’t see the reason to trust my logic. There are some things in life where logic do not play good parts, this is just one of them. I am in a logic free area, reasonable thoughts are no use here.

I suddenly feel pain all over my body. I feel my body move uncontrollably. I can feel myself convulsed. My body is jolting out in every movements possible. What happens to me?

CECILIA… I call her name out loud, but all I can see is darkness… Something is pulling me out.

—————————————————————————————————————

This time it is different. You can just see it in his eyes. I have seen a lot of them but nothing was as staggering as him. This is ultimately unscientific, I know that for sure. But there are several things in life that you cannot neglect, no matter how impossible it seems to be, how abstract and unscientific it appears to be. Just like his eyes, the way he stares. You can see… life. It oozes out uncontrollably, enormously overwhelming. Just by seeing directly to his eyes, you will surely believe that nothing is wrong, everything is and will always be alright. But of course, that is not the case. It is just not normal, well, regardless where the line is being drawn at. He is smiling, he occasionally smiles. And if I don’t know what happens to him, I will assume that he is smiling at me. I wonder what happens in his mind. He seems so happy.

Now I need to prepare him. No matter how ruthless it may seem, but we’re already running out of choices. This thing needs to be done. If this doesn’t help then I don’t know what will.

Doctor, we’re ready.

I walk closer to the ECT machine. I press the button. His body convulsed hard due to electrical shock we have just gave him. He’s been catatonic since the first time he came to this asylum.He stoned like a statue. His vital signs were normal but he acted like a dead body. Senior doctor here diagnosed him with schizophrenia catatonic. He was transferred under my care ever since. He is unresponsive to any medications I gave him. I have tried everything I could. I always tried to use ECT as the last possible resource. It is so rare to find someone in such a young age being unresponsive to medications and it is even rarer that I left behind with ECT as the last resource possible to use.

We release him from the strap, untie his body from the bed. He blinks several times, he groans, and showing independent movements. He is awake. Oh dear, I feel so happy and so proud of myself. I finally able to wake him up. I know that I am good at my job. I am checking his vital signs. Everything seems to be quite normal.

Okay, let’s leave him to rest. I guess he will be fine now.

Wait… where am I?

Hi, Nicholas, my name is Doctor Sampson. You’re at the hospital. Please try to rest, I will talk to you soon.

He looked me in the eyes. Firm gaze, showing that he’s serious.

Please doctor, I beg you, don’t wake me up…

———————————————————————————————————————————

And that was it, the only time I saw him being responsive to people around him. The last time I managed to talk to him. He was again catatonic afterwards. He was again a dead body, with eyes full of life. Full of love. I want to talk to him. I want to know what he sees every time he smiled like that. Could it be Cecilia? I read his chart. He was just divorcing his wife, Cecilia, one month before admitted to this asylum. I found out a week ago from his family that Cecilia died in an accident at the same day he was brought here to this asylum. If it is indeed her that he sees right now. He just made a choice to live in his dream, and no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I will be able to wake him up…

Nick, if you can hear me? Is it Cecilia that you see?

He’s not responding, as always. I place my hand on his. He slowly moves his hand to hold mine. And somehow I know its a yes.

However, the system finally got into us. The senior doctor reviewed what I have been doing to him. He asked why I had not made any further progress after my last ECT. I was running out of words. I said I did not know what else I can do to him.

Another ECT.

I know he will say that. I just don’t want to do it. I know the ECT is effective. He was awake the last time. And so here we are, in the ECT room. The senior doctor was standing nearby the machine. I came to him once again and try to give him another idea about drug combination that might work.

You know that the ECT works. You know that drugs doesn’t work. What is actually you’re trying to do?

He did not want to be awaken.

Nadine, you’re a doctor. As doctors, we need to stand in our sanity to be able to help this people…

He press the button. His body is once again convulsed. He blinks, he shows response. But wait a minute, something is different. I see the chart, he is going into shock.

It is impossible, he should not have a shock. Adrenaline, vasopressine, bring them all here.

I see my senior doctor struggling his best. Sweat is coming out of his pores. I know he feels panic, he is the one who make the call at the first place. I am checking his vitals. I know we’re losing him. He’s struggling his best not to be awaken. And he probably just reached his goal this time.

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